It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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