Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Randomize
