I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
