Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
