I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
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