never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
