There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
