Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize