there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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