Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Randomize
