I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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