She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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