I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
