Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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