just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
