Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
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