I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
