you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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