Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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