So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
