There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
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He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
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I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...