i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Randomize
