i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Church boner. Awkwardddd
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Randomize
