glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
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I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
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I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
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