I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
Randomize
