3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
