I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
