he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time