he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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