My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?