So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Don't tell me you're on acid again
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
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