I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
