Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
