Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Randomize
