I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
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