Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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