I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
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