Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
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Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
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How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
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