If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
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He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
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The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
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