So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
