Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
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