the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
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