Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
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