If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
