you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
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