The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
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