Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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