I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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