tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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