mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
