I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
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after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Sorry my hands just texted you
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
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I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.