the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
