Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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