I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
