it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Randomize
