Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Randomize
