no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Randomize
