I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Randomize
