Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
